We’re Going Well You Can Go To Hell
As
usual mailout time catches the junta with their pants down, and the all-important
caption competition not decided upon. TDL’s predilection for nothing
more recent than 1980 reared its ugly head, but he was persuaded to see
reason, so for this latest effort we present a selection of lyrics from
a band slightly more up to the minute. Last time, of course, the lyrics
were all courtesy of They Might Be Giants. Congratulations to all correct
submissions, especially to Mr Martin Cooper (women think sooper) who was
first to identify not only the band, but also both of the albums they
were taken from. We are sure that the current effort will be a challenge
for you all.
So, that’s the important bit over with. Now to get on with some
good old-fashioned time wasting, obfuscation and space filling. Yaaaaawwwwwnnn
We Went Up To The Top Bring Us Back Down Again
Firstly, for those of you who did not hear the bellows of triumph ringing
out all over Northern England, we would like to advise all those not in
the know that Blyth Power won the Tallington Ashes with seventeen wickets
in hand, and the evil Bishopstortfordonions were sent home with their
tails between their legs. Hurrah.
Of course if you have access to the Internet you can read all about it,
and look at the lovely pictures of people old enough to know better wearing
silly hats. If you haven’t then it’s about time you came out
of the age of clockwork and got a computer, if for no other reason than
to save us a stamp. Tallington this year was a fine and stirring event.
The sun shone, the trains hammered past all day (and all night) and a
wild weekend of rock mayhem was had by all, except for those who tried
eating any of the sausages that Mr Porter barbecued on the Saturday night.
Charred black on the outside with liquid interiors. Mmmm. It’s enough
to make you vegan!
Music kicked off on the Friday night with some solo acoustic sets and
dour hints of rain to come. It didn’t, however, and the Saturday
was an absolute broiling brute of a day. Hurrah for us. Thanks again to
all the bands who played, and to everyone who made the trip down. It’s
on for next year, so long as Pete hasn’t sold the place, but as
he says he’s been trying to do that for years we remain optimistic.
Next year we plan to make it a big one. A three-day event with stalls.
Music on Friday night, Saturday lunchtime and evening, and a final session
on Sunday morning, so watch this space for dates. The plan is to invite
people to bring stalls, bunting, etc to give the event all the credibility
of a village fete. So far we have suggestions from Poke, for a Shite Elephant
stall, a bran tub (for the vegans at the barbecue) there will definitely
be an opportunity to throw wet sponges at TDL (and Chris from Bishop’s
Stortford), and we’d like to hear from anyone who has any further
ideas, i.e. throwing a ping-pong ball into a jar to win a carrot (again,
for the vegans) or one of those twisty wire things that you have to move
a wire loop along without making the bell ring, at which TDL excels. You
dare not miss it next year.
Singing These Songs Since Easter Now And The Summer Is Nearly Through
Well we’ve had a lovely time this summer. All kinds of exciting
places have been passed through on the way to other places, and some of
the destinations were quite splendid too. In fact we don’t seem
to have been stitched up by anyone since the last mailout, which must
be some kind of a record. Notable on the season’s list of visits
were Plymouth, a town we hadn’t been to for eons, and Dorchester,
where an extremely splendid venue is now up and running at The Old George,
which wins this year’s Golden Teapot award for not being horrid
to bands when they come and play.
St Agnes too was an interesting event, involving twelve hours in the van
on the way down, in order to drop off some baggage in Cardiff. We now
have the unloading and setting-up drill down to about 20 minutes, PA included.
Hurrah to all those who have been asking when we’re next coming
back to the West Country who turned up. Hurroo to those who forgot to
read their mailouts and didn’t.
Climax of the summer was achieved in the stately grounds of Steven’s
ancestral home in Norfolk, where we played his father’s birthday
party. There was cake and fine wine, and elegant avenues lit by flickering
lanterns along which gentile couples were pleased to promenade on their
way to spoon by the carp pond. Well, something like that – it was
a brilliant night, and there was a donkey!
Stuck In The Middle Of This No Horse Town Tonight
So what happens next? The brave and undaunted spirits of Blyth are continuing
to go forth. Next on the agenda is a swift trip round the North East with
Mr Attila the Stockbroker and Barnstormer, which takes in a trio of salubrious
places, including Blyth’s first ever trip to Scarborough. High spot
of the weekend is the Northallerton show, where the band are on early
at an event headed by Mr John Otway, whose second hit is about to be unleashed
upon the world. If you don’t know about this impending chart-topper,
then we recommend you find out, as it’s the nearest any of us will
ever come to exposing the filthy putrid offal that is the mainstream music
industry for the sham and con that it is. This weekend of splendour winds
up in Birmingham on the Sunday, with a welcome return to the Railway Tavern,
so all those who had a lousy time at the last Birmingham fiasco, come
along, as it will be worth it just to see TDL’s face contorted with
disapproval at the amount of beer Barnstormer drink. We have our fingers
crossed for this one, after the last two West Midlands cancellations,
so unless they do a Market Tavern on us and pull the plug at less than
a week’s notice we’ll see you there.
Other events of note in the pipeline are Lincoln on October 19th, and
rumours abound of a long-awaited date in Norwich in early December, to
which town we have been longing to return ever since Steven promised us
the streets are paved with gold. We don’t remember, to be honest,
as it’s been a while, but we hope to see some old faces there after
all these years.
Hey Nonny-No A-Roving I’ll Go With Some Cider And My Finger In My Ear
Oh and you know that little bloke who plays the drums? He’s still
doing that folk music stuff too. Yes, it’s true. Mr Porter is going
out to twang the wire at a town near you in the not too distant future.
Following one of the most enjoyable solo gigs he’s ever done (he
claims) in Oxford with Mr Darren Poyzer, TDL is hot to trot. Bizarrely
enough he keeps getting asked to do punx picnics, where mohicaned brutes
stare in amaze over their beer as he croons softly about all kinds of
drivel that bears no relation to their day-to-day existence. That’s
what folk music is all about though. Or is it? Only way to find out is
to bring along a bag of buns and hurl them at one of the forthcoming solo
ventures. Cheers for the Oxford date by the way Robin.
Needless to say the spoken word CD is still in the pipeline. That’s
what comes of entrusting a project to Mr Inertia, as TDL is known by those
who are obliged to rely on his energies for their daily bread.
Shop ‘Til You Drop Take Your Baskets By The Hand
So what are we trying to flog you this time round? Well, the rather magnificent
mouse mats are still available, and we’ve re-stocked on a lot of
the t-shirts, so the kids sizes are all available for that amazing Christmas
spending spree you’ve been saving up all year for. All three sizes
are now back in, and we would like to take this opportunity to point out
to all those skinny undernourished northerners who complain that we usually
only stock XL, that the 12-13 size is big enough for most people to get
into, while those who like a snug fit would probably be able to get into
the 7-8. Don’t say we never do anything for you.
On the music front we are pleased to note that Alnwick & Tyne has
now sold out (again) until the next time some long forgotten German distributor
uncovers a box underneath his bed. Even more gratifying is the fact that
Paradise Razed cassettes are running out fast. We’re down to less
than twenty now, so get in there while you can, you non-digital types,
or regret it until the end of your days.
The vinyl sale is now on. TDL’s ‘clear out the stock cupboard’
drive has allowed the old skinflint to start bringing vinyl along to live
shows again, where for the princely sum of £5 he is selling all
four of the still available relics. TDL claims that these ageing pieces
of plastic, tragically overtaken by the invention of the CD, deserve a
better fate than to eke out their days under the T-shirts on the bottom
shelf, and he’d rather rob himself blind and get them out into circulation.
Two 12”s a 7” live EP and a compilation LP of early singles
for a fiver? Has the old man gone mad? This deal is only available over
the counter at the hop, as otherwise we’d barely cover the postage,
so bring a carrier bag when you next come along to see the band live.
Is it worth it you ask? Of course it is.
We are pleased to report that the jumble sale of old display items went
swimmingly over the summer too, and we’ve cleared out a pile of
old bits and pieces to loving new homes, including along the way a couple
of cats, former property of TDL’s sister, which were put up for
adoption in our last issue. Many thanks to Greg and Ginny for taking the
old beasts in, and thanks to all the messages of support for Alan and
Reggie in this difficult phase in their lives. Their stoicism in the back
of the van on the long journey to their new home was as delightful an
experience as the smell of their stool was not.
Final note on the subject of rag and bone. TDL has forgotten utterly whom
it was who approached him at The Verge asking after the availability of
a Blyth Mug. He claims old age as his excuse, and can they drop us a line
as we may have tracked one down. Apologies for the ancient one’s
amnesia.
Finally, thanks to all those relentless hoarders of packaging material
who have kept us topped up over the years. We succeeded in making a roll
of brown paper, purchased in 1999, last until last Tuesday thanks to your
upstanding contributions. Do keep them coming, as we are very mean. I
mean green.
This Is Space Cadet Calling Tripitarka The Otter
And so to the inevitable plug for the website, which is getting bigger
and better than ever. There are some fine products up for grabs in the
jumble sale section of the guestbook/forum, including an offer of bootleg
tapes of several hundred Blyth gigs. The forum continues to baffle and
confuse us, with its endless debates on politics, religion and the deeper
meaning of life. Actually that’s a lie, but there was a good one
on about Atomic Kitten the other day. If you want to be in on these cutting
edge debates then log on and register now. It’s nearly as much fun
as trainspotting. The next instalment of Genesis to Revolutions is due
up soon too, and if you search really hard, there’s a hidden photograph
somewhere on the site of Joseph, naked, eating chips.
Flying
Into Mecca Nose-diving To Buddha
(A modern piece by Madame Chairman Meow, who disapproves of traditional
reactionary poetry)
Oh
sorrow oh sorrow
Robbed of my sparrow
I’ll catch another tomorrow
And leave it behind the fridge