Of course darlings. You all guessed the last caption in an instant didn’t you? It was the simply marvellous Anal Beard, who are poised to set the stage alight at Tallington this year with their majestic blend of stadium rock and their post-watershed lyrical content. The boss says he doesn’t want to hear young Emma playing their CD in the post room again, or else there will be trouble as she has already pushed her luck far enough by repeatedly vomiting down the old tyrant’s back. Not even Madame Chairman has tried that stunt – although she did leave a three-dimensional message under the bed in the spare room recently. Unless that was Mr Steven Cooper, who was the last guest to sleep therein. Needless to say we were inundated with correct answers to the competition, as there is scarcely a soul in the southern half of the British Isles who doesn’t have a ‘Beard’ tune upon their lips at some point in the day. First past the winning post, however, was Mr Christian Zabka of Germany, so once again the home team drops the ball.
This edition we have chosen something a little more down-market to appease the oi-polloi who have been clamouring for a more popular approach by this office to the mailout in general. We are advised that it is becoming too elitist and is in danger of losing touch with the mass of the populace, and it is with this in mind that we include the ensuing long and incomprehensible sentence in an effort to convince you all that we are, in fact, hip to the street and ‘down with it.’ Here we go:
Erewegoerewegoerewegowhaddaboutthatbleedinrooneyehgoodasborisbeckham
anydayoftheweekbloodymackeraleatingfakespaniardswantakickingwe’llbeback
god blessyouma’amgoodbyeenglishrosecorblimeyingerlandphewwhatascorcher
enochwasright.
Mr Porter was up all night with a dictionary of folklore and vernacular composing that, so I hope the matter is now settled and we won’t get any more letters denouncing us as ‘middle-class-train-spotting-pansies.’ Good luck with the caption competition. Let’s get on with the news.
Goodbye
Mein Lieber Herr Und Vorbei
You will probably have worked out from the prevarication and filibustering
in the opening paragraph that it’s a bit of a slow news month
this month, and consequently there isn’t an awful lot to write
about. We were, in fact, going to enlarge the font size for this text,
in an effort to cover the page quicker, but The Despot declared that
this would cause the company to lose face, with its inherent implication
that He and all His works are not of sufficient splendour to enable
we humble copywriters to dream up reams of prose and paeans of praise
at the drop of a hat. One thing that is about to happen, which is guaranteed
to convince you all that everything is normal here at HQ, is that the
band is in the process of undergoing another routine change of personnel.
Let’s face it, things just wouldn’t be the same if there
wasn’t someone in the process of leaving, so it is with a sense
of inevitability that we are able to announce the impending departure
of bassist Bambi, who has decided to head for pastures new and take
up a full-time tenure as equerry to the Duke of Sutherland. Bambi’s
last night with Blyth Power will be in Leicester at The Musician on
July 10th, so that’s your last chance to come along and throw
buns at him while he’s with Blyth. You can, of course, go along
and throw buns at him at an Eastfield gig, but having been there and
done that, we are in a position to advise you that it is very difficult
not to concentrate ones supply of ammunition on Jessi Adams. Especially
if the buns aren’t vegan.
So, goodbye Tosser B. What are we doing to replace the fiend you may
well ask? For the moment, we are employing a couple of locums, who will
be making super splendid guest appearances at various gigs. General
Spud has kindly agreed to take the first shift, and will be doing Saturday
night at Tallington, and the Derby Victoria, while tattooed train-driving
thug Jeremy, brother of the pol-potty Porter will be doing Tallington’s
Sunday lunchtime finale, and who knows what else. Watch this space.
In the meantime, any shifty worthless bum without a proper job who can
both sing and play the bass in time are advised that Blyth is recruiting,
so get in touch, but we’re not in too much of a hurry, as we want
to find someone whose feet don’t stink and whose company we can
put up with on the long tedious journeys up and down our Sceptered Isle.
Interested parties should bear in mind they will henceforth be regarded
as intensely unfashionable should their application prove successful.
Business will continue as usual, although until we have a full-time
replacement sorted, there will be less Blyth gigs, and more Red Wedding
and solo work – always assuming the CDs actually get here to enable
us to embark upon the intended ambitious programme of booking dates.
Come
Taste The Wine Come Hear The Band Come Blow A Horn
Come blow a horn? Now look, we don’t want any silly behaviour
at Tallington this year. We want everyone to behave in a grown up and
responsible fashion, because trains cricket and music are very serious
subjects, and are by no means matters for levity. Yes! It’s another
plug for this year’s Tallington ashes, because this is the last
mailout you’ll be getting before the great day dawns, so here
is a general synopsis of what is liable to happen this year.
Friday August 6th is the great day – just in case we hadn’t
told you often enough – and we recommend folks arrive as early
as possible at The Whistle Stop, as some seriously large tents are expected
this time round. We look forward to seeing the return of the queen termite
that squatted behind the wicket last year – and acted as a very
efficient fielder for all TDL’s hideous leg-bys. Please, if you’re
coming in some kind of automobile, could you try and make an effort
to leave it in the car park after you’ve decanted your chattels,
as last year there wasn’t an awful lot of room for the cricket.
Don’t forget to check in and pay for your camping pitch either,
as the more the pub makes out of the event, the more we can persuade
them to let us come back each year. Hurrah. Music on the Friday evening
will be acoustic, and will feature Red Wedding, Mr Chris Butler, Mike
Halliwell & Matt Foster and anyone else with an acoustic guitar
that turns up on time and wants a go. Rumours of a solo appearance by
Jessi Adams are also floating about, so bring plenty of buns and make
sure you don’t miss out on all the action. We’ll be trying
to get the music up and running by eight o’clock, but bear in
mind this is Tallington, which means everything is informal and sort
of gets done when we get round to it.
The Whistle Stop are going to try and lay on some extra barrels of real
ale, although the rumoured beer festival may not be a reality. Hopefully
some kind of barbecue will be available, but we advise you to come prepared,
with lots of little packets of noodles and a kettle, because usually
the demand for egg and chips outweighs the kitchens capacity to prepare
it. Remember also that Friday is the premium night for overnight traction.
Lots of mail and engineering trains should be running, so don’t
forget your Locoshed and a flashlight. Hurrah again!
The usual format on Saturday should see music kicking off around noon,
with cricket between two and five, or thereabouts. No definite planned
running order yet, and no confirmed line up although we regret that
the magnificent Rachael Pantechnicon is also unable to attend this year,
due to an appearance at the Edinburgh Festival (bitch). We do wish her
all the best, and she has promised to give us a wave from the train
as she zooms north at around eleven on the Saturday morning, so make
sure you all have buns ready to throw. Definitely confirmed for Saturday
are Wob, Eastfield, General Winter, Blyth Power, Jack and possibly Anal
Beard if they turn up on time, although if not they’ll be playing
on Sunday morning. Anyone else wanting to play, please get in touch
ASAP. Bear in mind there’s no money in this, which is why we can’t
solicit bands as we have nothing to offer them, but it’s jolly
good fun, and we really want to keep it free attendance.
This year we expect a bit more effort in the field when we come to the
cricket. It was noticed that many of us did not seem to be treating
the game with the gravity that is its due, and as a result a number
of catches and run-outs were missed through sheer inertia. Remember
– it may just seem like a tatty little plastic train full of fag
butts to you, but to TDL it is the very justification of his existence.
Last year he was inchoate with rage when we lost to the Bishopstortfordonions,
so this year let’s stuff it to them good and proper – or
at the very least, let’s stuff it to Chris and his horrid sisters,
who probably voted for Marco’s eviction, and undoubtedly deserve
it.
Music will end by 11.00 on Saturday, and this year we aim to stage manage
it rigorously, so with a bit of luck, Blyth might do a full set. Unless
it rains.
Sunday will see music between approximately eleven-thirty and two, after
which we will all disperse in an orderly fashion, having first picked
up our rubbish and avoided treading in the puddles of vomit that the
previous days revellers will have involuntarily deposited like little
landmines about the campsite.
Those of you who failed to make it into the Big Brother house this year
may get a second chance at glory, as independent TV production company
Shine Ltd. Have been in touch with a view to coming and filming the
event for a documentary and strange pastimes, so wear your finest, play
your best, and DON’T swear in front of the children.
I
Understand Your Objection I Grant You The Problem’s Not Small
Time, then, for an update on that tiresome Red Wedding CD which we have
been promising for so long, and which is now a month overdue. Here are
the facts:
We did actually have the confounded things in our hands only the day
before yesterday, but they had to go back. First there was a problem
at the manufacturers, who seem to have employed someone in their artwork
department who is even less computer literate than TDL. Huge delays
ensued as the artwork had to be re-done in a format that their tiny
minds were able to come to terms with, even though it had been provided
in exactly the same format as the last release, and the one before that,
and the one before that. Probably a Mac user… Anyhow, the CDs
arrived with due ceremony on the morning of June 30th – only a
month after we had been expecting them. Imagine the foaming rage that
ensued when TDL opened the first box to find that the CDs had all come
in transparent boxes, in order to display a full colour advert for some
other blokes CDs, which had inexplicably been printed on the back of
our tray inserts. So awe-inspiring was his wrath that he had to go and
take a cold bath, which is a sign of extremity indeed, as he usually
tries to avoid water at all costs.
So anyway, the courier was duly summoned, failed to appear and was summoned
again, and we are expecting a re-delivery of correctly printed CDs on
Tuesday 6th July, so again, huge apologies for all those of you who
pre-ordered. This will teach us to count chickens before they do whatever
it is that they are accustomed to do in proverb and metaphor. On a happier
note, we were pleased to note that they looked excellent, apart from
the eyesore in the tray insert. Rest assured, Emma the Office Junior
will be working her tiny fingers to the bone in an effort to get them
all mailed out in time – although the relative success of her
efforts depends on whether or not Jason or Victor are up for nomination
from the Big Brother house next week, as if they are, she will be spending
every spare moment on the company phone voting for their eviction. Wretched
child.
You'll
Never Turn The Vinegar To Jam
We’re not fussy. We’ll take anything. Yes folks, it’s
time for the tri-monthly trip round the warehouse shelves to see what
is in and what is out of stock in the Blyth catalogue. Obviously we
are pleased to announce the arrival of the Red Wedding CD – or
at least we had jolly well better be announcing its arrival by the time
this reaches most of you, or Himself will be calling up the company
lawyers and making rash threats to suppliers down the phone. Nothing
like a bit of bluster to cool the rage eh? Seriously though, the confounded
things have been promised by July 6th, so do please go ahead and place
your orders, as the ongoing cabinet reshuffle could mean it will be
a while before the rolling Blyth showroom comes round your way again.
Still in stock, although rapidly running out, are the Gladly Give to
Caesar CDs, which are now down to the last sixty or so. Please buy them
all, as we need the space on the shelves to cram all the new stuff into.
A
Tiger Is A Tiger Not A Lamb Mein Herr
Madame Chairman is now composed enough to resume her courtship of The
Muse, so here for your pleasure and instruction is a haiku of her own
composition, in which she foresees the overthrow of the forces of evil:
Work
let me see
At Tallington
This year
We march to victory