Armstrong Goes To War

Mr Armstrong went to the Netherlands. Turned up in Breda five hours late, but still managed to achieve all his aims. He says it's because he drinks too much. We say it doesn't matter.

Captain Armstrong so 'tis sung cursed by birth as a younger son
With a Roman nose had prospects none and a thirst he'd bear to the grave
His father raged in a black despair at the cross-eyed boy with the red gold hair
Sent him away to Vanity Fair to learn a soldier's trade
But he learned backgammon whist and gin to cheat at cards and seldom win
He would never let up 'til his luck was in and the stakes were always raised
With his powdered wig on his fat white mare
H his mess bills rose as his prestige fell
His tailor's fortunes likewise failed for his debts were never paid

Fall in A fall in B fall in all by company the Horse Guards call and the infantry
With powder shot and ball
Now the banners dance and the bugles blare
Horses dance on the barrack square
The children laugh and the men despair when Armstrong goes to war

Captain Armstrong went to war with his tricorn hat and his rusty sword
And all his quartermaster's stores for Ireland he set sail
To Dun Locheld his men he led but he drank and he whored and he stayed in bed
And where his soldiers fought and bled he neither knew nor cared
So when the rebel armies charged he turned and he fled through bog and marsh
Left the cream of the Coldstream Guards dead beyond the pale

When Marlborough's armies marched to Hell the Dutch like corn before them fell
There was many a redcoat died as well before the war was won
But gallant guardsmen grenadiers when the cannon's mouth is drawing near
Captain Armstrong grey with fear will turn his tail and run

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