Bacchus On The Wagon

"Lay off the juice, old chap," the quack confides to Bacchus. Have a care, revellers - because when Bacchus gives up drinking, all his friends give up drinking too.

Bacchus to the doctor went a griping pain to ease
A phlegm cup at his shoulder to afford some small relief
His bloodshot eyes were yellow and his beard was full of grease
And a foul wind in his belly brought him gasping to his knees

The doctor coughed politely held a scarf against his nose
Bade him hang his godhead up and take off all his clothes
Baccus sighed and rolled his eyes behind the screen disrobed
The doctor grabbed his stethoscope and prepared to diagnose

When the doctor looked him over and said it's worse than at first appears
Your kidney's shot to pieces and your liver's disappeared
Your lungs are filled with water you complain of diarrhoea
And unless you give up drinking you'll be dead within the year

Break the bottle smash the whisky jar and put your glasses down
Bacchus is on the wagon and it's rolling into town
Bacchus is on the wagon and the curtain's down for good
On your quarts and pails and yards of ale now the cork is in the wood

Then the grey nurse summoned by the bell
Saw him weeping with contrition
Begging heal me please physician make me well
With needles pins and bleeding bowl prepared

She said don't expect sympathy
If you can't take your medicine
You shouldn't bait the bears

Back went Bacchus to Olympus and when he broke the sorry news
The satyrs were dissatisfied the nymphs were not amused
The centaurs and the Lapiths had a sharp exchange of views
The watchmen and the border guards succumbed to self abuse

But it's too late to say you're sorry now it's useless to repent
Your yeasts refuse to quicken and your apples won't ferment
Your wines and beers and spirits are a Devil's sacrament
For which Bacchus' indigestion is a cure from Heaven sent

What of all those pretty acolytes that Bacchus now disowns
That naked through the summer lees beside him used to roam
They've left the Elysian fields behind and bought a Barratt's Home
Where they've settled down and married now with children of their own

Intro./Verse Am G F Am
Bridge G Am Bb C
Chorus G C F G C G C F G Am